Monday, November 27, 2006

Rupturing Reality

Wednesday, 5:40 P.M.

After another exhausting and devastatingly mundane day sacrificing the last remaining shreds of my beleaguered soul to the Corporate Satan, I gratefully collapse into the sole remaining vacant seat on the glorified mobile underground toilet that is the London Underground, paying little attention to the vaguely humanoid shape occupying the seating space juxtaposing mine. To my utter astonishment, this shape, by now identifiable as a probable homo sapiens female, rises, bafflingly says 'You Pervert!' and haughtily strides to a seat next to a bearded someone who looks infinitely more threatening than me (and as I have been told repeatedly that I look like a gormless blue-eyed baby 'Chandler From 'Friends'' with the intimidatingly-stubbly-facial-hair growing ability of a bowling ball, this is no achievement). Staggered by the crass unfairness, startling conceit and borderline insanity of this accusation, my jaw drops, my eyes open wide and I stare, dumbstruck, at the woman for several seconds (admittedly hardly helping her impression of me...)

Now, I'm a reasonable person. Had I been slavering over this woman, staring exclusively at her breasts and licking my lips suggestively whilst drooling uncontrollably over her feet, I could have understood why she may have felt some mild discomfort, if not actual disquiet. However, I fail to see how exactly having the nerve to even sit next to someone of the opposite sex constitutes an act of molestation unless you happen to live in an area so haplessly fundamentalist that people believe that males really do spontaneously combust at the sight of a naked female ankle which is not related to your own ankle (which makes you wonder what effect the Paris Hilton sex video would have - ten thousand nuclear holocausts??). Has it really got to the stage where merely possessing my face in public constitutes a serious sexual crime??? This is most distressing considering that I pride myself on being a true gentleman - a man capable, indeed, of keeping my eyes away from the female chest for whole seconds at a time and even, upon occasions, engaging the face of the aforementioned female in actual conversation.

Thursday, 9:30 P.M - Wembley Arena, London

Muse are indisputably the world's greatest live act. This is a statement of unqualified fact, not even remotely coloured by personal prejudice or subjectivity. The only people I will even consider permitting to be unmoved by a Muse performance are those who are paralytic and those who are dead - and I struggle to accept even these as excuses as the vast apocalyptic reverberations of Matt Bellamy's guitar would cause rippling vibrations to shudder through the thickest lead coffin in the universe. Their performance tonight causes me to remember with indignation the contemptible comments made by Lily Allen (an artist so 'genuine' that you can actually hear the pause on 'Smile' as she carefully reminds herself which consonant to drop next ('mental.... I mean, oh goodness gracious, botheration, that is, 'men-al'... there it is, marvellous. I mean wicked...') in a desperate and pitiful effort to sound like she was raised on the 'street') about Muse taking over an NME cover that she was supposedly 'promised'. To even place the two in the same sentence - let alone compare their relative quality - is to commit a blasphemous act against music so heinous and earth-shatteringly horrific that it risks creating a catastrophic and terminal rupture in the fabric of reality. Lily Allen deserves to be on a cover ahead of Muse about as much as Gandhi deserves to be placed in a blender ahead of Donald Rumsfeld.

Set List:

1. Knights Of Cydonia
2. Starlight
3. Butterflies & Hurricanes
4. Map Of The Problematique + Riff
5. City Of Delusion
6. Plug In Baby
7. Forced In
8. Hysteria
9. Citizen Erased
10. Hoodoo
11. Invincible
12. Supermassive Black Hole
13. Time Is Running Out
14. New Born
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15. Apocalypse Please
16. Bliss
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17. Muscle Museum
18. Stockholm Syndrome
19. Take A Bow
20. Brain-Dead White Noise With Infuriating Small Female Screaming Tone-Deaf Abuse Over The Top (Lily Allen Tribute)

Ed's Mood: Incandescent

Ed's Incessant Auto-Repeat Musical Tip: Muse - Take A Bow

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