Sunday, September 24, 2006

Papal Psychosis

Being a liberal and (metaphorically) militant atheist, I usually classify the insensate ramblings of the Pope as mere mindless, psychotic and utterly insignificant dross spewing from the addled mind of a haplessly outmoded twelth century relic. This is a man who is so hopelessly conservative that he named himself Benedict XVI. Not Benedict I or Benedict III. Benedict the six-bloody-teenth. He was given free reign to choose any name imaginable - Megapope I, Kaiser Chief I, Condomlover I - but chose one about as original as a film in which Will Ferrell and Owen Wilson combine forces to not be funny. What puzzled me so much was not that he uttered a cringeworthily stupid soundbite about Islam but that anyone - regardless of religious affiliation - remotely cared. Most people I know pay about as much heed to a papal proclamation as they do to a Tom Cruise proclamation. And remember, Tom Cruise is a man who will, in what appears to be a quite rational, sensible and considered tone (when it really merits being said whilst curled up in a foetal ball and foaming at the mouth like an unhinged lunatic), say something like this:

"75 million years ago, there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu who was in charge of 76 planets in our sector of the galaxy, including planet Earth, whose name at that time was Teegeeack. [And to think this is the most rational part of this speech]

All of the planets Xenu controlled were over-populated by, on average, 178 billion people. Social problems dictated that Xenu rid his sector of the galaxy of this overpopulation problem, so he developed a plan. [Mass genocide? Compulsory sterilisation? Compulsory watching of Elf on everlasting auto-repeat..?]

Xenu sent out tax audit demands to all these billions of people. [Ah yes! Of course! The obvious solution... death by income-based means calculation.]

As each one entered the audit centers for the income tax inspections, the people were seized, held down and injected with a mixture of alcohol and glycol, and frozen. Then, all 13.5 trillion of these frozen people were put into spaceships that looked exactly like DC8 airplanes, except that the spaceships had rocket engines instead of propellers. [Now isn't it good to know that Scientology applies rigorous scientific standards and knows that all you have to do to make a mediocre aeroplane into a supersonic atmosphere-breaking spaceship is to swap the propellers for a rocket engine...?]

Xenu's entire fleet of DC8-like spaceships then flew to planet Earth, where the frozen people were dumped in and around volcanoes in the Canary Islands and the Hawaiian Islands. When Xenu's Air Force had finished dumping the bodies into the volcanoes, hydrogen bombs were dropped into the volcanoes and the frozen space aliens were destroyed. [Yes. All of the frozen space aliens were destroyed - with one prominent exception. The frozen space alien 'Cher' continues to live with us today.]

However, Xenu's plan involved setting up electronic traps in Teegeeack's atmosphere which were designed to trap the souls or spirits of the dead space aliens. When the 13.5 trillion spirits were being blown around on the nuclear winds, the electronic traps worked like a charm and captured all the souls in the electronic, sticky fly-paper like traps. [I'm sorry. This is a hugely advanced race capable of both fitting 13.5 trillion people into a couple of infinitesimally small volcanoes and killing them all with hydrogen bombs without terminally destroying the Earth, and what do they use to trap souls? Extremely large fly paper. Right.]

The spirits of the aliens were then taken to huge multiplex cinemas that Xenu had previously instructed his forces to build on Teegeeack. In these movie theaters the spirits had to spend many days watching special 3-D movies, the purpose of which was twofold: 1) to implant into these spirits a false reality, i.e. the reality that WOGS (Hubbard's derisory term for anyone not a Scientologist) know on Earth today; and, 2) to control these spirits for all eternity so that they could never cause trouble for Xenu in this sector of the Galaxy. During these films, many false pictures were implanted into these spirits, which resulted in the spirits believing in all the things that control mankind on Earth today, including religion. The concept of religion, including God, Christ, Mohammed, Moses etc., were all an implanted false reality that to this very minute is used to control WOGS on Earth. [1. That's racist. 2. Even a vegetable with water on the brain would be capable of thinking up a more convincing adjective than 'special' to describe these miraculous prehistoric cinema multiplexes.]

When the films ended and the souls left the cinema, they started to stick together in clusters of a few thousand and remained that way until mankind began to inhabit the Earth. Today on Earth all the spirits of these aliens have attached themselves to our bodies and are the root cause of the false reality that all but Scientology's "Homo Novis" or OT 8's on earth experience. It is the job of all Scientologists to remove this false reality from the world by auditing each and every space alien spirit and human on earth to CLEAR not only this planet but the universe. For those who oppose Scientology and stand in their way like the Lisa McPherson Trust and all Scientology critics, Scientology promises to do away with them "quietly and without sorrow". [to say this sounds slightly irrational is like saying that Insane Clown Posse have a slightly crap name]

We have calculated that on average, each person on planet earth has 2,209 of these Body Thetans (BT's for short), Hubbard's term for the alien spirits, attached to you causing you and all mankind to be constrained by Xenu's false reality. The average cost for Scientology to OT 8 is a mere USD 360,000, meaning that each BT only costs USD 163 to clear. Now that is a bargain if there ever was one. [Oh yes. A bargain on a scale with swapping a multi-million pound country mansion for a tube of expired cod liver oil flavoured silly string]

To finish the story, the Loyal Officers of the Marcab Confederation finally discovered how evil Xenu was and overthrew him. He is now locked away in a mountain on one of the planets and kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery." [Yes, that's exactly right. They could have just killed the bloke, but instead they choose to spend millions of pounds a year pointlessly maintaining a ludicrous decadence. Just like Paramount]

It should be remembered that the Pope is an archaic mouthpiece for a meaningless and outdated institution whose time passed several centuries ago, not the generic voice of Western civilisation. He is a mere mild and laughable irritation - a wasp with no sting fighting the nuclear-powered behemoth of enlightened atheism. His thoughts are about as relevant to most right-thinking men and women as Chantelle's views on the existentialist philosophical tradition. They are not even remotely close to having enough import to be considered as an insult. Muslims should join everyone else in heartily laughing at him and the ridiculous institution that spawned him.

Ed's Mood: Sardonic

Ed's Incessant Auto-Repeat Musical Tip: Mansun - I Can Only Disappoint You