Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Mockney Mocking

Nothing infuriates me more than the curious world of Z-List celebrity, a world where it is possible to be famous simply for not being famous and for setting back outside world perceptions of the 'Essex Girl' ten thousand years. I am speaking, of course, of the world occupied by Chantelle. This woman is so jaw-droppingly and sensationally stereotypical that she is virtually impossible to satirise. Vacuous doe-eyed stupidity? Check. A ludicrous mockney accent which is about as endearing as someone who eats kittens and as attractive as Johnny Vegas in lycra? Check. Bleached blonde hair which is about as convincing as Bill Clinton announcing that he has not had sex with someone and as realistic as the average Channel Five soft-porn plotline?

CONVENIENTLY WELL-ENDOWED BLONDE: Oooh, my gravity-defying 32FF breasts are SOO hot in this near-impossibly skimpy bikini. I'd better take it off...

CONVENIENTLY WELL-ENDOWED BLONDE TWO: Oooh, me tooo!! And I'm just SOO sweaty after my day at school/teaching those handsome young students/my nursing shift/my day at the police station/my day wearing bondage gear/my day on the Star Wars set/my day cooking food while making spectacularly tenuous innuendos involving cream and whipping/my other activity involving any kind of uniform and/or weak connection with a generic male fantasy. I'd better take my equally skimpy bikini top off too...

CONVENIENTLY WELL-ENDOWED BLONDE: You know, I'm having SUCH trouble cleaning my breasts in this conveniently located communal shower.

CONVENIENTLY WELL-ENDOWED BLONDE TWO: Ooh, let me help you with this conveniently sensual soap.

CONVENIENTLY WELL-ENDOWED BLONDE: Mmm, this is conveniently nice.

CONVENIENTLY WELL-ENDOWED BLONDE: You know, even though we're about as likely to be lesbians as Chantelle is likely to have a personality and Will Ferrell is likely to make a joke that doesn't provoke an overwhelming homicidal urge among all right-thinking sentient creatures, we're both naked, so we may as well engage in highly unrealistic and spectacularly tame lesbian sex. Oh, and the fact that as well as being blonde lesbians we're also twins and that this is technically incestuous and creates a controversial moral dilemma is completely irrelevant.

CONVENIENTLY WELL-ENDOWED BLONDE: Okay, I'll pretend to pleasure you despite the fact that my head is actually located somewhere near your ankles while you fake an orgasm by a) forming an expression that connotes vague confusion and possible constipation and b) implausibly gyrating at random intervals.

... Check. Thinks Tony Blair is a small farming village in Angola? Check.

However, someone has come close to usurping Chantelle in my list of people who must be destroyed. This person is the Pope.

Watch carefully as he transforms himself from benevolent God-fearing pensioner to homicidal child-slaughtering Sith Lord. You have been warned...

Ed's Mood: Calm

Ed's Incessant Auto-Repeat Musical Tip: Vangelis - Conquest of Paradise


Blogger bob said...

CONVENIENTLY WELL-ENDOWED BLONDE: Sorry what? Did you insult me? Didn't notice, was too busy thinking about getting a tit job. Do you think I need one? I think I do. My mum says I should get one. But my dad doesn't agree. But he hasn't got breasts so how can he know anyfing? I'm not sure really. I could put it on my credit card. Have you got their number? Oh wait can you call them for me, i'm a bit scared in case they talk like doctors coz i don't understand doctors they are too educated aren't they. Tits?

7:34 AM  

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