Monday, April 24, 2006

Ed Hates: Number One - Fred Phelps

Oh God. This is almost too easy. Fred Phelps is one of those hilarious individuals who try to compensate for their overwhelming self-loathing, baffling medieval prejudices, inadequate phalluses and spectacularly demented stupidity by using their evangelical Christian pretences to protest about ludicrous issues. For the uninformed, Fred Phelps is an American man (I use the word 'man' loosely to include shrivelled anaemic walking corpses with the sentient powers and cogent reasoning skills of Toilet Duck) who leads a 'Church' consisting almost entirely of him and his brainwashed family. This 'Church' is so obsessively homophobic that they organised a protest at the funeral of a deceased soldier because he fought for a 'nation which condones homosexual activity' and regularly organise other protests at events which may possibly, under certain circumstances, be considered to perhaps have the vaguest semblance of a connection to something which arguably has the slightest link to condoning homosexuality. Apart from the fact that 'blaming' the soldier for this is rather like Mick Jagger blaming his rampant adultery on the evil plotting of his testicles, no sentient being gives the remotest flying Pope whether people are homosexual or not. The issue is about as significant to anyone normal as Chantelle's face.

And of course, when the preposterous zombified cabbage dies, which, judging by the fact that his views (as with those of all evangelical morons who actually believe that the world was created a few thousand years ago and that dinosaur bones are a 'test of faith' as opposed to a clear fact which obliterates their side-splittingly ridiculous delusions) confirm that his birthdate was early in the twelth century, must be very soon, surely his funeral must be protested against as he lives in a country which condones homosexuality? Why does he not live in Afghanistan, a country where decent, upstanding, jaw-droppingly deluded fundamentalist heterosexuals happily decapitate those nasty homosexuals? Hopefully while he's there he might be fortunate enough to fall prey to twenty or so nice malignant diseases and be able to swiftly enjoy the pleasures of whatever hellish afterlife is in store for him. Moron.

Here is a nice family photo of the rabid homophobic muppets. Aren't they just the cutest bigoted braindead maniacs?


Ed's Mood: Sardonic

Ed's Incessant Auto-Repeat Musical Tip: The Stranglers - Walk On By

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Mockney Mocking

Nothing infuriates me more than the curious world of Z-List celebrity, a world where it is possible to be famous simply for not being famous and for setting back outside world perceptions of the 'Essex Girl' ten thousand years. I am speaking, of course, of the world occupied by Chantelle. This woman is so jaw-droppingly and sensationally stereotypical that she is virtually impossible to satirise. Vacuous doe-eyed stupidity? Check. A ludicrous mockney accent which is about as endearing as someone who eats kittens and as attractive as Johnny Vegas in lycra? Check. Bleached blonde hair which is about as convincing as Bill Clinton announcing that he has not had sex with someone and as realistic as the average Channel Five soft-porn plotline?

CONVENIENTLY WELL-ENDOWED BLONDE: Oooh, my gravity-defying 32FF breasts are SOO hot in this near-impossibly skimpy bikini. I'd better take it off...

CONVENIENTLY WELL-ENDOWED BLONDE TWO: Oooh, me tooo!! And I'm just SOO sweaty after my day at school/teaching those handsome young students/my nursing shift/my day at the police station/my day wearing bondage gear/my day on the Star Wars set/my day cooking food while making spectacularly tenuous innuendos involving cream and whipping/my other activity involving any kind of uniform and/or weak connection with a generic male fantasy. I'd better take my equally skimpy bikini top off too...

CONVENIENTLY WELL-ENDOWED BLONDE: You know, I'm having SUCH trouble cleaning my breasts in this conveniently located communal shower.

CONVENIENTLY WELL-ENDOWED BLONDE TWO: Ooh, let me help you with this conveniently sensual soap.

CONVENIENTLY WELL-ENDOWED BLONDE: Mmm, this is conveniently nice.

CONVENIENTLY WELL-ENDOWED BLONDE: You know, even though we're about as likely to be lesbians as Chantelle is likely to have a personality and Will Ferrell is likely to make a joke that doesn't provoke an overwhelming homicidal urge among all right-thinking sentient creatures, we're both naked, so we may as well engage in highly unrealistic and spectacularly tame lesbian sex. Oh, and the fact that as well as being blonde lesbians we're also twins and that this is technically incestuous and creates a controversial moral dilemma is completely irrelevant.

CONVENIENTLY WELL-ENDOWED BLONDE: Okay, I'll pretend to pleasure you despite the fact that my head is actually located somewhere near your ankles while you fake an orgasm by a) forming an expression that connotes vague confusion and possible constipation and b) implausibly gyrating at random intervals.

... Check. Thinks Tony Blair is a small farming village in Angola? Check.

However, someone has come close to usurping Chantelle in my list of people who must be destroyed. This person is the Pope.

Watch carefully as he transforms himself from benevolent God-fearing pensioner to homicidal child-slaughtering Sith Lord. You have been warned...

Ed's Mood: Calm

Ed's Incessant Auto-Repeat Musical Tip: Vangelis - Conquest of Paradise