Sunday, February 26, 2006

A Lukewarm Whine

This has been an extraordinarily atrocious year for music. Somehow the majestically mediocre munchkins the Kaiser Chiefs and the Arctic Monkeys have received widespread critical acclaim despite having composed the sum total of two laughably poor band names and one song between them, which they generously share with one another. Unfathomably, no-one has noticed that this single shared song is repeated fourteen times on both their respective albums and sounds like a rejected Chesney Hawkes filler track from his oft-forgotten second album, Chesney Hawkes Sings The Rejected B-Sides Of Chris De Burgh.

However, it is not the aforementioned leaches on the musical fabric of this nation but the Black Eyed Peas, who share the distinction of a catastrophically useless name, who are the subject of my ire today. After the release of 'Where Is The Love?', a malignant verruca of a song which practically begs the listener to begin a homicidal rampage against all associators with cynically corporate, formulaic, tepid, lukewarm whines sung with all the passion of a Justin Trousersnake guest chorus (i.e. (a) anyone who has composed, purchased, voluntarily listened to, (b) threatened to compose, purchase or voluntarily listen to (c) shown any sign of developing a future desire to compose, purchase or voluntarily listen to or (d) knows but does not vehemently abuse people who compose, purchase or voluntarily listen to R'N'B), most observers assumed that, until the apocalypse occurs and Keanu Reeves' vanity project Dogstar rise again, that no musical low could ever hope to match this one. Listening to Dogstar is, of course, akin to a surgeon forgetting to provide you with anaesthetic and then performing a vasectomy on you with a chainsaw.

With the release of the near-impossibly terrible 'My Humps', however, the Black Eyed Peas have bettered even their enviably and consistently high standard of musical ineptness. Spectacularly, this song manages to make the most desirable anatomical features of the female body sound like horrible mutations:

My hump
My hump
My lovely lady lumps

I'm sure even those of you fortunate enough to have avoided this ubiquitous monstrosity thus far will realise that 'hump' refers to the female backside and 'lumps' to the mammaries. Features which, I know you will agree, are virtually impossible to render unattractive if possessed by someone as physically advantaged as the lead female singer. However, whenever I accidentally listen to this particular section of the song I hear only this:

My spinal bifida
My spinal bifida
My lovely malignant tumours

Not pleasant.

Ed's Mood: Disgusted

Ed's Incessant Auto-Repeat Musical Tip: Stone Roses - She Bangs The Drums

6 Comments:

Blogger Experience Sponge said...

Love it mate, very angry but with good reason.
I can't stand this whole Kaiser Chiefs/Arctic Monkeys fad, to be honest it makes me physically sick.
As such, if you want to buy a progressive music album Ed you MUST buy Tool "Lateralus", I think you'll like it, very proggy in places, very heavy in places, just amazing!!

7:06 AM  
Blogger RC said...

What harshness towards the BEPs "Where is the love?" is kind of fun...as for the AMs...I have nothing to say...I've only heard a little from them.

--RC of strangeculture.blogspot.com

11:25 AM  
Blogger Chandler said...

'Where Is The Love?' is about as much fun as being covered in a mixed grill, attached to a lead weight and then gently dropped into a lake teeming with ravenous piranhas. Sorry dude.

Will give Tool a second chance Mr G, think whoever tried to convert me last time gave me a medley of dodgy filler tracks followed by a curious assortment of shite b-sides/rejected fluff.

Ed

5:24 PM  
Anonymous g said...

you simply have to spend 10 or 11 quid on "lateralus" album, wow, it should blow your mind.
radiohead for V,
tickets on sale friday, 3rd march,
pricey at 60 quid but we shud all buy tickets and even if we don't go we'll be able to sell them (either to mates or on internet).
expensive but well worth it if we get 10 or so of us, singalong chances, the 'head on our doorstep

7:40 AM  
Anonymous Oli said...

i got tickets, along with more mates from warwick. did anyone manage to get them - for saturday at least?

11:19 AM  
Blogger Chandler said...

Ah, I missed out. The brilliance of Radiohead will be offset by the obscure and ludicrous embarrassment of Beck. And yep, I am allowed to judge him on the basis of a single 45-minute monstrosity of a performance at Reading, so there. I'll make sure I secure us all tickets for Radiohead alone, Muse and the - ha - proposed return of the Smashing Pumpkins this year though!

Ed

8:39 AM  

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