Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Dustball of Idiocy

After weighty consideration I have made the revolutionary decision that I shall no longer write thousand word Blog entries that require decades to plan and millennia to read. I am instead going to grossly compromise my art and bow down before the demands of an increasingly frenetic and impatient society by condensing my thoughts into regular daily or two-daily updates. As the machinations of the inside of my head can be best visualised as a giant dustball of vegetative idiocy travelling across a bleak desert of emptiness and hitting the occasional oasis of vague inspiration every couple of hundred years or so this may prove quite a challenge.

However, I feel suitably inspired today by the horrendously atrocious serial homicide against cinema that was Match Point, which has been receiving criminally positive reviews despite utterly obliterating the previously unshakeable truth that if Scarlett Johansson (a woman so beautiful that shattered mirrors spontaneously rebuild themselves in her presence) appears in a film, it cannot be bad. Match Point is not bad. It is cataclysmically dire. It perpetuates every American stereotype about the British imaginable (we all own vast country estates, have chauffeurs, speak with insufferably posh baked-potato accents unheard of since the 1930s, work as tennis professionals at Queen's, love opera, and have a country that is so infinitesimally small that we're entirely incapable of engaging in any activity that does not take place at a world famous landmark). The 'star', Jonathan Rhys-Meyers (who you would have thought would have a slight advantage by a) being Irish and b) being an actor) is supposedly from Ireland but sounds about as Irish as Stelios Giannokopoulos and acts about as convincingly as a cabbage on sedatives with a puzzled face drawn on it by a blindfolded two year old. To be fair to the poor hapless moron, he is not assisted by a plot which is about as convincing as a Tim Henman fist-clench after winning a point on serve in the first round of the Azerbaijan Open and dialogue which is as profound as a rejected Tweenies script. Please, I beg of you, do not watch this film.

Secondly today I'd like everyone to note (as the media appears to be blissfully unaware of the existence of Essex) that after last night's preposterous 3-2 victory by the latter over Bristol City 'Sarrrfffend' and Colchester resplondently sit in 1st and 2nd in League One, which is itself utterly incredible and worthy of comment. However, the two teams remain, infuriatingly, in the incorrect order and in shameless denial of the universal, transcendent truth of Colcestrian superiority. As I struggle to find any remote justification for the righteousness of this truth I will not even try to argue constructively. However, what people often fail to realise is that the Southend mascot (a horrifying humanoid shrimp capable by its very appearance of causing terminal heart failure in the under 5s) is not a friendly human in a costume but an actual mutated sea creature created through a) decades of shrimp/sexually frustrated chav 'relations' and b) decades of direct exposure to and drinking of Southend sea water, which is so revoltingly stagnant and polluted that even looking at it requires an emergency tracheotomy and a month's strict convalescence in a health farm. A team with this horrific monstrosity as a mascot does not deserve to be in their lofty position, but should instead be fighting a doomed battle against relegation to the ninth division of the Blackwater and Dengie Pub League. Hopefully the rightful county hierarchy will be restored on Saturday with the assistance of a Colchester victory against the redoubtable Port Fail.

In homage to the Olimeister:

Haikus kill the muse
Abstract meaninglessness reigns
Shorthand poetry

Ed's Mood: Disenchanted

Ed's Incessant Auto-Repeat Musical Tip: Anathema - Fragile Dreams


Anonymous George said...

i think it will be great to have you back on the blog-scene regularly ed, this is a good return to (abridged, and in my opinion, preferable) witty entry territory. keep it up and for heavens sake include more pictures and visual/interactive stimuli. otherwise my eyes get tired

11:51 AM  
Anonymous Matt said...

Ignore the peer pressure, I'll take crafted words over visual "stimuli" any day.

Kudos to Colchester, by the way - looks like 12th place might elude you for once.

12:39 PM  
Anonymous George said...

interesting, i seem to remember you saying you thought the block text format was a bit impenetrable and stagnated. as radiohead say, i might be wrong..

12:48 PM  
Blogger Chandler said...

Evening guys.

Geo, I'll do a pictures-only entry just for you. Each one of 'em will paint a thousand words.

It's pretty goddamn disconcerting being where we are in the division. I have to crane my neck whenever I see a league table. However, what is more disconcerting is that somehow we're still behind bloody Southend! If someone had told me we'd be behind the Shrimpers at this point I'd have assumed we could only possibly be bottom with about three points and a goal difference of negative 50. Sheesh.


12:55 PM  
Blogger bob said...

Yes yes good improvement.

Last night I fell over in front of Westminster then had a coffee in trafalgar square then watched my mini-tv on my portable deck chair on london bridge before finally ending up sleeping on a barge in the thames.

All in a day's work.

6:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"a cabbage on sedatives with a puzzled face drawn on it by a blindfolded two year old" versus mr richard parkinson.. Who makes the better actor?

*lampoon lampoon*
colourless ideas
condensed into abstract form
sleep furiously

10:47 AM  
Blogger bob said...

you offer updates
of such wonderous frequency -
is it a death wish?

1:42 PM  
Blogger Chandler said...

No deaths will result
Unless these haikus replace
Good straightforward prose

11:12 AM  

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