Monday, October 10, 2005

Porcine Pontificating

Sometimes your irritation at so many aspects of life is so overwhelming that expressing the depth of your exasperation within a single blog entry is a near impossibility. I have therefore decided to combat this difficulty by dividing this entry into several mini rants/expostulations directed at the maddening occurences that have blighted my existence in the last month or so.

RANT ONE: THE 'CHAV' BACKLASH

A popular movement recently has been to accuse those who utilise the term 'chav' to be insecure middle class types making a class-biased statement against those less fortunate than ourselves. This is a preposterous notion. 'Chav' refers to those who DELIBERATELY, VOLUNTARILY and of their own FREE WILL choose to wear Burberry clothing and some of the most ridiculous accessories imaginable, listen to cataclysmically atrocious music emanating from the sewage plant that hell condemned and sit outside McDonalds ('I'm Chavvin' It') insulting passers by intelligent enough to follow a life maxim that in all things, when a chav performs a certain action, always ensure that you do the exact opposite. Are newborn working-class babies extracted from the womb wearing tracksuits and Nike sponsored nappies?? Do state benefits include Burberry caps and compulsory nipple piercings?? NO. IT'S ENTIRELY THEIR CHOICE AND, ERGO, THEIR FAULT, AND THEY DESERVE TO BE OSTRACISED, INSULTED AND LAUGHED AT UPROARIOUSLY WHENEVER POSSIBLE (AND PREFERABLY MORE THAN THAT). Naysayers? Shut the hell up. This is not merely an entertaining device, but a vital and socially corrective one.

RANT TWO: AGEING BANDS LOSING ALL DISCERNIBLE QUALITY

This is particularly infuriating. Collectively, Audioslave (to pick but one from a myriad of examples) should be an imposing musical proposition, combining the innovative, politically charged band from Rage Against The Machine with the singer and lyricist Chris Cornell from Soundgarden. So, Mr Cornell, why don't you give us the full benefit of twenty years experience as a lyricist? A shattering expression of Rage Against The Machine's aggressive and incisive left-wing political ideology that wrecked the complacency of their capitalist Western audience? An example of the immense and profound philosophical insight into the very minutiae of our existence that you have gained in this time?

CHRIS CORNELL: 'To be yourself is all that you can do. Er..... aha... to be yourself is ALL that you can do! Er *eyes audience nervously*....woo-oh-oh-oh. Yeah. *audience slowly cock back collective shotgun* Quick Tom, come up with the type of original and inspired guitar solo that marked your Rage Against The Machine career! NO, NOT YET ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE CRAPPY ARPEGGIOS THAT WRECKED OUR ALREADY DIRE SECOND ALBUM YOU MUPPET! Oh bugger, we're being bottled again. RUN!'

RANT THREE: Z-LIST CELEBRITIES

I discovered to my consternation, disgust and utter bemusement today that Rebecca Loos is releasing an autobiography. The only positive arising from this pitiful and miserable affair is that to achieve fame you no longer require talent, originality or fortunate parentage. You simply need to complete the following disconcertingly straightforward tasks:

a) Sex a Beckham
b) Masturbate a pig. On television.

Can you imagine anything more utterly revolting, loathsome and disgusting? Of course not. Masturbating the pig sounds wonderful by comparison. Once you have completed these tasks, ensure that you have none of the following items in your possession:

a) A Soul

Finally, find the most desperate dregs-sucking, bottom-leaching, garbage-licking, celebrity-fellating tabloid newspaper in the world and sell your story. You will achieve instant fame. Shortly you will become famous simply for being famous in a nebulous, paradoxical, tautological, post-modern way and become the subject of philosophical treatises entitled "Pig Masturbation: The Peculiarly Paradoxical Post-Modern Paradigmatic Progression of Fame". As you possess no soul, the fact that every sane individual will regard you and all others of your ilk with a kind of incredulous scorn and horror will of course have no effect on you.

So who truly benefits from this process exactly?

a) The Pig
b) End of list.

I rest my case.

RANT FOUR: IDIOTIC FILM SEQUELS

Apparently 'Rocky VI' is no longer a hideous and nightmarish figment of the collective sado-masochistic imagination but a genuine possibility. How the plot can be anything but spectacularly unrealistic bearing in mind that Sylvester Stallone is practically fossilised I have no idea:

"Rocky is revived after being cryogenically frozen for two millennia. Now 2,065 years old, Rocky must return to the ring to avenge the defeat of 252 generations of his family at the hands of 252 generations of implausibly stereotypical Cold War relic neo-pseudo-quasi-Soviet boxers. However, Rocky has more than just the weight of history to contend with, for his arms and legs have been surgically removed by his fans in the desperate (and naive) hope that this would prevent him from ever attempting yet another increasingly ludicrous comeback. Can Rocky defy the odds yet again and become the first torso ever to win a major heavyweight championship?"

Well?

Can he?

Yes. Yes he can.

RANT FIVE: THE INFURIATING MANEOUVRES OF A MALICIOUS FATE

Extraordinarily and ludicrously, Southend won their eighth consecutive match yesterday. This is analogous to the British Virgin Islands winning eight consecutive World Cup finals, Jade Goody becoming a professor of English literature, David Davis not boring someone and Colchester United scoring a goal. However, even more shatteringly, for the third consecutive time that I have witnessed the soul-destroying spectacle that is Blackpool Hoofball Club versus Colchester the home team arbitrarily, controversially and preposterously (falling offside, committing a foul, and, most importantly of all, being in clear violation of the For God's Sake Be Fair, You've Had One Shot You Useless, Sick, Selfish Bastards treaty) scored in injury time to almost certainly deny the glorious 'Pride of Essex' (sic) points from the fixture.

But, for the first and last time that I will ever do this, mark the sequel and nice, positive, upbeat conclusion to this entry. For the first time in seven years of misery, frustration and sheer helpless anguish, Colchester responded to this implausible setback by instantaneously scoring again. Miraculously, in the 94th minute of the game Greg Halford unleashed a venomous drive from a distinctly unpromising angle (which, for Colchester, reads 'any angle from which the ball is located further than three inches out and is against a team who are unsportmanlike enough to play a goalkeeper with motor capabilities') which accelerated with beautiful and majestic precision into the far corner. I have ambiguous feelings with regard to Halford, whom Dani finds disconcertingly attractive for a goofy beanpole who sways dangerously in high winds, but I am now disposed to grant him a week's lieu from my punishment for his particular offence of being found attractive by my fiancee (death by bathing in steaming hydrochloric acid).
I may even consider downgrading him to death by exposure to dangerous levels of Craig David music poisoning.

After all, I *am* feeling very kindly disposed to him.

Ed's Mood: Mercurial

Ed's Incessant Auto-Repeat Musical Tip: The Moody Blues - Melancholy Man

8 Comments:

Blogger Nick Bryan said...

Despite the disappointing lack of a puppy body count (Will there ever be a second part?), that really was a tour-de-force of Eddy J. I'm quite overwhelmed.

2:21 PM  
Blogger Chandler said...

Many thanks Nicky B!

Have no fear, there will indeed be a new mass extermination of infant canines in the near future.

Ed

9:18 AM  
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6:18 PM  
Anonymous Neil said...

Dude, check the fullstop at the end of the post :-)

That's some sly spamming if ever I've seen it.

5:43 PM  
Blogger doer said...

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7:10 AM  
Blogger Chandler said...

Oh boy.

'Doer' and 'anonymous', would you mind burning in hell for me?

Thanks!

Ed

4:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

putting to waste some good money that could have been used in other areas of development for the business involved.

8:51 PM  
Blogger Chandler said...

Bloody hell, there's even a standard auto-spam message for people who tell you to burn in hell?? Very accurate prediction of the average reaction on your part!

Ed

6:18 AM  

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