Monday, May 02, 2005

The Anti-Kilroy Vanity Project

As I write, the Conservatives could still be successful in the forthcoming election. This objectively unbelievable, objectively monstrous, objectively despicable, objectively abominable, objectively revolting, objectively disgusting, objectively sickening, objectively nauseating and objectively vomit-inducing possibility must be immediately eradicated by all right (or rather left, har har, bloody hell, that's even worse than a rejected Jo Brand joke...) thinking people. In order to promote the movement I am presenting for your perusal Ed's Entirely Objective Party Guide to the General Election:

THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY: Disadvantaged by possibly the most yawn-inducingly mundane and pathetically uninspiring name ever, this collection of assorted extreme right-wing misfits cunningly masquerading as assorted centre right-wing misfits have a single policy - the compulsory death by firing squad, er, that is, relocation of all 'fake' asylum seekers ('fake' meaning 'unlikely to be brutally murdered by raging terrorists within the next five seconds').

THE LABOUR PARTY: Also disadvantaged by a phenomenally uninteresting name (great, you advocate working, that's fantastic), this centre-centre-centre-centre-left-wing party remains in government by the simple virtue of being ever so slightly less horrendously appalling an option than all but one of their challengers.

THE BRITISH NATIONAL PARTY: Paramilitary wing of the Conservative party.

VERITAS (The Robert Kilroy-Silk Anti-Arab League Vanity Project): Policies - the compulsory everlasting love, admiration and worship of that nice white middle-class man Robert Kilroy-Silk, his nice white middle-class family, his nice white middle-class education and his nice white middle-class bread. Policies slightly damaged by the fact that Robert Kilroy-Silk is not white but orange.

UNITED KINGDOM INDEPENDENCE PARTY: Outmoded white supremacist clowns who believe that 'Europe' is a clever and hallucinatory scam created by wishy-washy liberals. Advocate the restoration of 'proper' national borders and the ignoring of European affairs, brilliantly forgetting that most national borders are entirely arbitrary constructions created by psychotic warlords several thousand years ago to guard themselves from other psychotic warlords and that the term 'British national culture' has about as much depth and meaning as a tissue with the Beckhams' marriage vows written on it.

Vote Liberal Democrats, in other words.

As today's entry coincides with the pandemonium caused by forthcoming final year essay deadlines, I felt it necessary to compose a second guide - Ed's Entirely Objective Guide to Student Types and their Respective Attitudes to Work:

CATEGORY ONE - THE INFURIATINGLY STUDIOUS BASTARD

The infuriatingly studious bastard is the only known creature that has evolved the ability to literally absorb all energy and life from a room, harnessing it and converting it into excruciatingly dull intellectual seminar monologues that only fellow infuriatingly studious bastards understand or remotely care about. The infuriatingly studious bastard will complete the key readings, recommended readings, extra readings, bonus readings, barely relevant readings, completely unnecessary readings and readings that have as much significance to an English degree as an analysis of Blazin' Squad lyrics:

'Making a living with wit and brain cells, you only get lame girls, Flava gets nothing but them game girls'

'Flava' compensates for his lack of discernible intelligence and inability to spell 'flavour' by pointing out that at least loose women and female pheasants will sleep with him.

'I ride beats, yeah, I kick 'em. If you like then listen. If you hate then envy the chain status, my position, and watch me glisten in magazines and on television'

'Flava' puzzlingly assumes that listeners will envy his 'chain status', i.e. his multiple prison sentences, and enjoy the sound of him committing actual bodily harm and borderline sexual assault against music.

'I just wanna spit, why you stopping me for?'

'Flava' brutally and violently rebels against the establishment as much as a manufactured corporate-puppet-whore-illegitimate-son-of-barely-pubescent-unmarried-chavs is permitted by whining like a small child about the social etiquette rule against spitting.

'K.R.A.Z.Y., wow, that's me'

'Krazy' has a miraculous and endearing moment of self-enlightenment. Note to Krazy: exchanging a 'k' for a 'c' is about as 'crazy' as accusing George Bush of being slightly stupid.

And swiftly moving on from this entirely irrelevant but stress-relieving tangent:

CATEGORY TWO: THE HARDCORE BLAGGER

The hardcore blagger is a curious paradox. Having wasted two and a half years of his or her undergraduate degree in a perpetual alcoholic stupor, attending on average possibly one seminar and two lectures a term, the hardcore blagger is capable of a) learning the entire course half an hour before an exam and passing with flying colours, b) writing a 2:1 standard essay on psychoanalysis operating throughout under the belief that Sigmund Freud was a famous painter with a sideline in incest, c) capable of delivering a ten minute 2:1 standard presentation based on reading three sentences and having been completely unaware he/her was presenting until the tutor asked him/her to stand up and d) managing to write three entire final year dissertations about vastly differing topics based on the one paragraph of reading he/she briefly skimmed over in a bout of conscience on the first day of the first year.

CATEGORY THREE: THE COMPLACENT IDIOT

The complacent idiot is someone who believes that the whole world of academia has entered an intricate and brilliantly ingenious conspiracy directed entirely against him/her and the suppression of their brilliance. This extraordinarily arrogant belief results in them believing that whenever they receive a borderline pass as a consequence of their being useless it is not them to blame but 'jealous tutors', 'poor essay guidelines', 'incompetent marking', 'stupid deadlines' or 'failure to understand the sheer depth and quality of my work'. If a tutor marks them down they will invariably complain to the entire class and accuse the tutor of doing it in order to dissuade them from getting their essays academically published as the jealous tutor's own publications will be completely outdone. They will put absolutely no effort into their final dissertations and be self-righteously and ludicrously stunned when they fail and everyone laughs heartily at them.

CATEGORY FOUR: THE PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL SEMI-BLAGGER

All other students reside in this final category, combining inate semi-sentient intelligence and a verbal dexterity that enables them to make the earth-shatteringly obvious sound like the profound insights of a demigod philosopher with the ability to apply themselves to work when conscience/deadlines dictate. They will be lauded in their tutor's reports as 'conscientious' and 'hard-working', empty terms simply indicating 'they possess a vague and temporary form of conscience' and 'they will work hard in the last month of the year to compensate for spending the rest of the time asleep'.

According to popular student folklore, there may also be in addition a fifth category of students who both a) work hard throughout the year and b) are not actually offensive to the sensibilities of normal people, but I have never personally encountered this rare species. I can only assume that this is yet another invention of the collective unconscious, just like morality, justice, freedom and Blackadder Series Five.

Ed's Mood: Stressed

Ed's Incessant Auto-Repeat Musical Tip: Ours - Fallen Souls

5 Comments:

Anonymous Neil said...

Nice post. I especially liked the skewering of everyone's favourite motley crew of pre-pubescent incubi, the Mighty Blazin' Squad.

I was, however, disappointed with your gross misrepresentation of Robert Kilroy Silk! I think he would be a real asset in Parliament and wish him the best of luck in the upcoming elections. After all, if there's one thing British Political discourse needs more than anything else in these times of racial, religious and class tensions, it's a permatanned yuppified gardem gnome who hates muslims and poor people. Sho'nuff :-)

7:54 AM  
Anonymous b said...

l;

10:09 AM  
Anonymous robert kilroy-silk said...

I jus wanna spit: why you stoppin' me for?

3:31 AM  
Blogger Chandler said...

Everyone deserves their right to free speech. Except of course for Robert Kilroy-Silk, who deserves a nice bath in a vat of steaming hydrochloric acid.

8:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Instead of immediately forking over large amounts of money for over-the-counter drugs, go to the kitchen cupboard and see what you can find to relieve your symptoms including shear stress.

Here are some helpful hints for shear stress …

A simple hot compress applied to the face is very soothing to those throbbing aches and pains of a blocked sinus, while a few drops of eucalyptus oil on a handkerchief can provide welcome relief for similar conditions. While supplements of vitamin C, D and zinc will shorten the lifespan of a common cold, a hot lemon drink is also extremely good. And be sure to cuddle-up in bed when you have a cold, as it will make the body sweat out the germs.

Cool lemon juice and honey are a great soother for a sore throat and gives the body much-needed vitamin C at the same time The juice of one lemon in a glass of water is sufficient. Melt the honey in a little hot water for ease of mixing.

A smear of Vaseline or petroleum jelly will do wonders for those sore lips and nose that often accompany a cold.

A 'streaming cold' where the nose and eyes water profusely, can respond to drinking onion water. Simply dip a slice of onion into a glass of hot water for two seconds, then sip the cooled water throughout the day. Half an onion on the bedside table also alleviates cold symptoms because its odor is inhaled while you sleep.

People prone to catarrh may find that chewing the buds from a pine or larch throughout the day will clear up their condition in just a few days.

Do you suffer from sore eyes? If your eyes are sore from lengthy exposure to the sun, try beating the white of an egg and then spread it over a cloth and bandage the eyes with it. Leave the preparation on overnight. Soft cheese (quark) is also a good remedy for this condition.

For those unpleasant times when you suffer from diarrhea, two tablespoons of brown vinegar will usually fix the problem. Vinegar can be rather horrible to take, but who cares! The problem is more horrible. Vinegar can usually be found in most people's cupboards, so you don't need to worry about finding someone to run to the shop for you in an emergency.

Sleepless? Instead of reaching for sleeping pills, which can quickly become addictive, try this: Drink only caffeine free tea or coffee starting late in the afternoon.. Go to bed earlier rather than later, as being overtired tends to keep people awake. Make sure the bedroom is dark and quiet. Use only pure wool or cotton sheets and blankets. Polyester materials can cause sweat and make you thirsty (if your child constantly asks for water throughout the night, this could be the reason).

And don't watch those scary movies just before retiring! If you still can't sleep, make a tea of lemongrass or drink a nightcap of herbal tea containing chamomile. It's easy to grow lemongrass in your garden or start a flower pot on the balcony for ease of picking. Simply steep a handful in boiling water for five minutes. Honey may be added for a sweetener.

Of course there will be times when you do need modern drugs, so if these simple remedies don't have the required affect, be sure to see a health care professional.


shear stress

2:17 PM  

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