Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Controllers Of The Automaton Puppets

One of the many things that attracted me to the blogging community was the opportunity to express my ridiculous, opinionated and prejudiced views without any fear of contradiction or censorship. I am not forced to indulge the infuriating censorship of any authority and write balanced, bland, objective essays of any true academic or philosophical value. If I want to call the Brit Awards a malignant corporate tumour feasting on the jaw-droppingly turgid monotony of the excruciatingly terrible music substitute that fills the charts then I will call the Brit Awards a malignant corporate tumour feasting on the jaw-droppingly turgid monotony of the excruciatingly terrible music substitute that fills the charts.

The Brit Awards are a malignant corporate tumour feasting on the jaw-droppingly turgid monotony of the excruciatingly terrible music substitute that fills the charts. Every year, a collective of amoral capitalist record company lowlives gather for a mutual back-slapping session to celebrate the stunning mediocrity of their respective manufactured automaton puppets. Groups such as Busted (corporate whore imitation rock-pop), Girls Aloud (hardcore extremo-bubblegum pop), The Streets (comedy 'if-I-put-together-some-hilariously-
-people-like-me-will-think-I'm-street-as-opposed-to-simply-incredibly-stupid' idiot-chav pop) and Black Eyed Peas (festering turd pop) are nonsensically rewarded for their blind obedience to their paymaster overlords in churning out the most impossibly and agonisingly atrocious noise imaginable.

However, after dismissing the hideous monstrosity as unworthy of any semi-sentient human's attention, I was horrified to notice this year that my favourite band, Muse, had been nominated in four categories, none of which qualified themselves along the lines of 'Recognition Of Real Music Award' or 'Best Band Who Are Actually A Band Award'. Even more horrifyingly, in the 'best album' category (a clear walkover for 'Absolution') Muse received the most chilling and gratuitously criminal insult imaginable. They were nominated alongside The Streets.

Mike Skinner almost defies parody. At first he was easily dismissed by all multicellular organisms as a harmless joke, exposing chav culture as something to be laughed at uproariously by all. However, just like Diego Maradona's waistline, the joke was stretched too far. Terrifyingly, what can only be described as the vacant, mindless, banal, moronic ramblings of a newborn amoeba with water on the nucleus accompanied by a rhythmic-bollocks-spouting-machine (a rapper) and 'a beat' (which, laughably, is often passed as an excuse for the verruca-esque existence of rubbish'n'boring and hip-hop, amongst other pointless genres) was a) allowed to release no less than TWO COMPLETE ALBUMS and b) critically acclaimed for 'bringing the voice of the street to the masses'. If I was the street I would be hugely offended by the insinuation that if I had a voice, I would sound like a dumbarse townie with a Burberry fetish. And yet 'A Grand Don't Come For Free' (admittedly a stunning philosophical insight for an amoeba) receives a nomination alongside the greatest operatic rock statement of the age?? This is in no way amusing. This is sick, disgusting and shameful.

Fortunately for my grasp on sanity the ultimate indignity of the amoeba winning the award did not occur. The prize was instead received by grandmother's favourites Keane for their incredible achievement of taking the tepid, lukewarm, jumper-knitting hyper-mellow comfortable-armchair and warm-slippers rock template and pushing the boundaries beyond even the levels set by the redoubtable Travis. A ludicrous decision, obviously, but not earth shatteringly mindless. Muse, in fact, were victorious in the 'Best British Live Act' category, which would have been impressive had it not been for the utter lack of competition.

Having simmered gently for a week or so over the identity of some of the 'winners' I felt that a renaming of the categories was an absolute necessity. I have therefore listed the idiotic excuses proposed as reasons for giving particular 'artists' an award, the beneficiary of each shameless justification and the name of the subliminal award that I feel they are actually receiving:

Best British Male Solo Artist (Talentless Moron Most Attuned To Idiot Chav Culture Award):

The Streets (679 / Locked On / Warner Music)

Best British Female Solo Artist (Token Award For Most Blindingly Obvious Choice Of Pseudo-Alternative But Actually Very Mainstream Attractive Female):

Joss Stone
(Virgin / EMI Music)

Best British Group (Band Most Assisted By NME Driven Irrational Knee-Jerk Media Frenzy Over Vague And Debatable Semblance Of Talent Award):

Franz Ferdinand (Domino Recordings)

Best British Album (Most Mellow And Tepidly Inoffensive British Album):

'Lost Hopes And Fears' - Keane (Island / Universal Music)

Best British Single (Worst British Single):

'Your Game' - Will Young (S / BMG / Sony BMG Music)

Best British Breakthrough Act (Most Annoying New Band To Randomly Rise To Prominence On The Back Of Inexplicable Commercial Radio Frenzy Award):

Keane (Island / Universal Music)

Best British Urban Act (Excuse For Another Meaningless Award For One Of Those Annoying Useless Genres Award):

Joss Stone (Virgin / EMI Music)

Best British Rock Act (Best Excruciatingly Simplistic British 'Strokes' Garage Tribute Band Award):

Franz Ferdinand
(Domino Recordings)

Best British Live Act (Best International Band):

(Taste Media / Warner Music)

Brits25 - The Best Song Award (Worst Utterly Arbitrary Excuse To Give Robbie Williams An Award Award):

'Angels' - Robbie Williams

Best Pop Act (Most Ear-Shatteringly Atrocious Bunch Of Manufactured Corporate Automaton Puppet Whores Award):

McFly (Island / Universal Music)

Best International Male Solo Artist (Most Ridiculous Generalisation Ever To Cover Millions Of Vastly Differing Musicians Award):

Eminem (Shady Records / Universal Music)

Best International Female Solo Artist (Tenuous Proof That The Brits Are Not Anti-American Or Sexist Award):

Gwen Stefani
(Interscope / Universal Music)

Best International Group (Worst International Group):

Scissor Sisters
(Polydor / Universal Music)

Best International Album (Worst International Album):

'Scissor Sisters' - Scissor Sisters
(Polydor / Universal Music)

Best International Breakthrough Act (Worst International Breakthrough Act):

Scissor Sisters (Polydor / Universal Music)

Outstanding Contribution To Music (Moronic Excuse To Give Some Poor Has-Been A Randomly Timed And Entirely Arbitrary Meaningless Award Award):

Sir Bob Geldof (no record deal, ahahaha - nice bloke, shame about the Boomtown Rats)

This shameful and embarrassing list of offences against sentience and good taste merely penetrates the surface of the dark malaise surrounding the British musical scene. Until McFly, The Streets and the Sugababes are completely eradicated by the revolution and purges that will take place when I ascend to my rightful place as a music industry emperor I cannot rest in my endeavour to expose the horrific crimes perpetuated by the controllers of the automaton puppets. The Brit Awards are merely the tip of the iceberg of corporate filth. Open your ears!

Ed's Mood: Infuriated

Ed's Incessant Auto-Repeat Musical Tip: The Mars Volta - Inertiatic ESP


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