Friday, December 03, 2004

Cheese and Consequence

Cheese (n.) 1. Disgusting foodstuff made by acquiring the lactation of a female bovine and then allowing it to rot horribly for several weeks until it a) is a particularly nauseous combination of yellow and blue hues and b) has a smell so horrendously bad that it can suffocate anyone in a five mile radius. 2. Popular anthemic music beloved of drunken students.

I have never understood the popularity of cheese. Would you eat four week old apples that had become a suspicious shade of brown and begun to resemble a compost heap? Would you eat bananas that you'd left to 'mature' for three months?? Methinks not. It's a festering yellow lump occupied by millions of promiscuous multiplying nymphomaniac bacteria for crying out loud! And not only is it revoltingly unhygienic, it has the most noxious smell imaginable. I have absolutely no idea how you even socially approach a blue cheese without dying horribly of extreme asphyxiation, never mind actually eat the damn thing without terminally choking. And even if you survive the terminal choking, how the hell do you survive the internal lacerations and haemorraghing that must necessarily take place if you actually swallow the foul substance? Incomprehensible. Apparently the first (and thus far, only) pizza I ever ate nearly knocked me unconscious. And that was before the oven door was fully opened.

The only cheese remotely worth considering, in fact, is of the musical variety. Would you rather eat mature red leicester (NB: it's not 'red', it's 'vomit-orange'. Most cheeses suffer from a similar misnomer - 'extra mature' means 'left to rot for slightly longer'. Now 'extra rotted vomit-orange leicester' sounds a lot less attractive doesn't it?) or hear Livin' On Prayer played at ear-splitting volume to a thriving mass of exultant humanity? Fortunately Brighton, the nominal home city of Sussex University, plays host to a number of right-thinking, left-wing (what a ridiculous language English is) musical establishments which refuse to bow down before the seemingly indomitable rise of Rubbish'N'Boring and Garage Shite and faithfully adhere to a strict diet of pure cheese. Most prominent among these is the world revered Event II, which on Fridays ends the shameless corporate selling-out to the foolish multitude of the week and finally plays a solid combination of Madonna, the A-Team theme and various other songs with no semblance of a non-ironic rap or what is somewhat tenuously described as a 'beat' by idiot non-conformist super-conformists (otherwise known as 'townies'). Tonight we return to the venue infamous for the world's only genuinely sexless DJ - I have been on about twenty occasions and despite the fact that I should have the inate ability to calculate anyone's gender (quite an essential requirement that, avoids embarrassment and a punch when enquiring as to someone's cup size) the DJ defies me completely. Sam reports a bra sighting but I remain unconvinced - it may be a trick. Or a man corset.

In other self-obsessed news, today I achieved a first for one of my worst essays ever, which was very uplifting. Obviously after two and a half years of being taught to hone blagging talent to incorporate any possible subject which we know absolutely nothing about - otherwise known as English and Media BA - results are finally becoming apparent. I wrote an essay on postmodernism, which as any aspiring theorist knows, is one of those clever (for 'clever' read 'profoundly idiotic and completely unnecessary') terms which can be described but never defined - pure 24 carat blagging gold. So yet again I'm averaging a first for completely inconsequential work that has absolutely no effect on my overall mark and nothing like as much for my actual degree. D'oh.

Ed's Mood: Sombre
Ed's Incessant Auto-Repeat Musical Tip: Metallica - Astronomy


Blogger your friend Si said...

Isn't likeing cheese (the music, not the food) just a cop out from genuinely expressing a liking of something and leaving yourself open to criticism?

9:03 AM  
Blogger Chandler said...

Are you trying to say that 'cheese' is a very generalised and tenuous term to use or summat? Dude, 'cheese' transcends genre and proper definition. And I think using the terms 'Rubbish'N'Boring' and 'Garage Shite' was fairly provocative and leaves me open to criticism! Subjective, opinionated sweeping generalisations? Gotta love 'em. Boring, cynically corporate minimalist rubbish with childlike lyrics, mindless and passionless vocals and brain-shatteringly basic instrumentation? Gotta hate it.

10:55 AM  

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